Unexpected Goodbye

Sometimes life changes fast. In just a few weeks I went from enjoying life in Nuevo Vigía, to losing my home and my community entirely and unexpectedly. Trying to process and reconcile that has been a huge challenge. Let me explain…

On March 19 I was sitting on my porch reading a book when Enilda, my neighbor, came and told me she heard about a confrontation involving police and drug traffickers the day before. Since I hadn’t heard anything about it, I called the Peace Corps office to notify them. Drug trafficking is common in the area, as many people cross the Darien Gap from Colombia to Panama by foot through dense jungle, carrying backpacks. There are many border patrol stations in the region to prevent this. It turned out that the incident happened within the region of the Comarca where six of us volunteers were living in communities within a half day’s walk of each other. The next day we left our sites to go to a conference in Panama City. While in the city we met with the office to discuss what had happened. The safety and security staff decided to do an investigation to make sure that the area was safe for us to return.

Peace Corps took about a week to meet with members of our communities, the police, and the US Embassy to discuss the security situation in the Comarca. Since it was an isolated incident, we expected to be cleared and sent back to our sites soon after. I was anxious to go back since it had been so long and I missed my gente.

On April 7 the six of us met with the Peace Corps Country Director. He explained what they had been doing to gather more information on the security situation. Then he told us something I was not at all prepared to hear: our entire region would be closed, evacuated, and declared a restricted area. We would not be going back to our communities. It was a punch in the stomach. I’m not sure what else was said in the meeting because my head was spinning. It felt like a bad dream but I couldn’t wake myself up. All my plans were shattered in that moment of realization that my time in Nuevo Vigía was suddenly over.

I knew I would eventually have to leave the life I had made there, but I didn’t expect it to be like this. I was going to use the next three months to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to leave, not to mention finish all the projects I had been working on and try to somehow say goodbye to everyone that I had grown so close to. To have it happen without notice is like falling through ice into freezing water. It’s shocking and disorienting. Thinking about how much I lost by not being able to go back and finish my time is painful. I will never again be able to experience what has become normal everyday life: cooking plantains in my hut, relaxing in my hammock overlooking the jungle, sitting on the floor in people’s houses and talking for hours, going fishing with my neighbors, playing with kids in the river, hiking out to fincas with a machete to collect plantains, sharing a meal after a successful day of hunting, or laughing as we try to speak each other’s languages. I am forced to appreciate all of these things so much more, because now they are gone.

I'm going to miss the Tuqueza River, bien tranquilo

Just a few days after finding out we were being pulled from the region, we had to make a final trip to our communities to have a meeting to officially close the site and collect all or our belongings. Due to transportation logistics I only had a matter of hours to do all of this - handing off unfinished projects, emptying my entire house, and telling people the bad news. The community meeting was one of the most difficult moments I’ve had in my two years in Panama. A member of Peace Corps staff came and explained to people what was happening and why I had to leave. When my turn came to speak I could feel my emotions welling up, and I could barely get the words out. I told them how in the past two years I had gone from being an outsider to feeling like part of a big family. I told them how grateful I was for how they had welcomed me into their home, taught me so much, and shared everything they had with me. Several people took turns speaking as well. They talked about how they appreciated the work I had done, enjoyed having me in the community, and were disappointed that I was leaving. Rubén, aka Super Técnico, also stood up to speak. Out of everyone that I’ve worked with in Nuevo Vigía, Rubén is the one I am most proud of. He spoke of how he had learned so much and had become more confident in his abilities because of me. I couldn’t look at him without crying, so I stared at the floor while he talked. I wanted to tell him how proud of him I was and how rewarding it was to work with him, but there was no time and I couldn’t keep it together anyway.

I'm really proud of how far Rubén has come in two years

Part of me really wanted them to get angry at Peace Corps and fight to keep me there. I was a little disappointed that they remained silent after hearing the news. I realized though that they couldn’t deny that there were risks involved with living in the area. Fulgencio, our water committee president, asked us if there was anything that the United States could do to help make their community a safer place. It broke my heart to hear the desperation in his voice. I can’t describe how terrible a feeling it is that they are in this situation, but instead of helping I am leaving them behind. How can I tell them that their home is not a safe enough place for me to live? They have no other option, no control of their circumstances.

I was not ready to leave Nuevo Vigía, but asi es la vida

Removing Peace Corps from these six communities is a huge loss for us as volunteers and also for the Emberá people. Even though I think the decision was the right one, it is still very hard to accept. These were all great communities that provided amazing opportunities to share cultures and knowledge. Although it’s really disappointing that the whole area had to be evacuated, I’m thankful that I didn’t have to go through this alone. I’ve been able to support and be supported by Andrew, Amber, Danielle, Shaun, and Justin through this whole process. Even as I’m getting ready to move on to the next step, I am having a hard time parting with my Emberá family. Fortunately I will be able to visit Nuevo Vigía one last time to have a despedida in May. This will hopefully help me to get better closure with everyone there.